Monday, February 27, 2012

The Walking Dead episode 211: Judge, Jury, and Executioner previews.

I have to say, season 2 part 2 of The Walking Dead has been moving along and much more interesting. Moving away from just having "the farm" as a set piece has done wonders and rekindled what made the first season so good. For those looking for all three sneak peeks of episode 211: Judge, Jury, and Executioner, look no further.

The Raven (2012). Let's talk about what the hell this movie is.

So most of us, especially anyone in the United States has read Edgar Allan Poe's, The Raven. Most may not understand what it's about, but you at least know about it. The poem has been animated into one of the Treehouse of Horror episodes in The Simpsons, and even Christopher Walken has audio of him reading it, which is a delight. To sum it up for those who haven't read it or remember it, The Raven tells of a talking raven's mysterious visit to a distraught man, who is slowly descending into madness after the loss of his lover, Lenore. Sitting on a bust of Pallas, the raven seems to further instigate his distress with its constant repetition of the word "nevermore" as his dementia sets in.

A little history on Poe and the poem, it first appeared in the New York Evening Mirror on January 29, 1845. Printed twice, it became immensely popular and made Edgar Allan Poe a household name and national celebrity. Readers began to identify poem with poet, earning Poe the nickname "The Raven". The poem was soon widely reprinted, imitated, and parodied. Though it made Poe popular in his day, it did not bring him significant financial success, as he later lamented, "I have made no money. I am as poor now as ever I was in my life – except in hope, which is by no means bankable".

Poor dude, he was poor forevermore.

Here, you can listen to Christopher Walken read the entire poem. It's quite awesome.

So as Hollywood is ought to do, unable to come up with an original idea, they have taken The Raven--a license-free and public domain idea--and as you would expect, bastardized it. I dare say, an even bigger bastardization than Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes movies.

Here's The Simpson's version, sadly I couldn't find the full animated version.

The upcoming movie entitled The Raven, is an American thriller film directed by James McTeigue, who directed V for Vendetta. It's going to star 2012 apocalypse survivor John Cusack (who has dipped his toe into horror before with the films, Identity and 1408), Alice Eve and Oliver Jackson-Cohen. It'll be released on April 27, 2012.

The Raven (2012) movie trailer in all its terrible glory

So, what's the story? Well, it has nothing to do with the poem that's for sure, or Edgar Allan Poe's life. I mentioned earlier Guy Ritchie turning Sherlock Holmes from a sophisticated sleuth into a slapstick comical action movie farce. Well, it seems McTeigue plans to do the same with writer Edgar Allan Poe.

The film's story plans to tell of the last days of Edgar Allan Poe's life, in which the author pursues a serial killer whose murders mirror those in Poe's stories, because the only way to stop the serial killer is to have the person who wrote the stories or something...

Poe teams up with a young Baltimore detective played by Emmett Fileds (Luke Evans) to hunt down the serial killer. As the attacks continue, it appears someone close to Poe may become the murderer's next victim, and raises the stakes higher yadda, yadda, yadda, dribble, dribble, blah.

It should come to no surprise that Hollywood likes to shit all over things, but this one really hurts. Considering, at least to me, that he is one of the forefathers of horror and very revered in my opinion. If you're going to do a "Poe" movie and modernize it, just take one of his existing stories, but no, I'm sure a bunch of people in suits thought that would be a "bad idea" or "boring" and this fictional take, which sports Cusack as Poe running around with a pistol, as a good idea.

The actual Poe claimed to have written the poem very logically and methodically, intending to create a poem that would appeal to both critical and popular tastes, somehow I doubt this movie will appease to either. If the movie turns out good, I'll eat crow, or rather, raven.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. Another bizarre zombie movie, this time from Japan!

What the hell is this... I'm not too sure. I don't even know where to start. The tagline is "We are going to flush you!" So, there is that. I mean, zombies back up into you with their ass? Is this a movie with a lot of fecal matter? Does it have a lot of Japanese school girl porn? There's a Human Centipede-like moment where a two people are impaled with a giant bamboo stick through the anus to the mouth. What the...?

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

TLM Podcast "Spirit of Vengeance" is up!

Newest podcast is up as we have a divided debate on the quality of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. We also, talk about some of our own toughest women in horror movies/sci-fi and Bobby rips apart Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Chrissie also mentions some of the weird words put into Google that land people on our site. There are some weirdos out there, for sure. It's fun for the whole family!

Listen via Itunes here:

Listen via MP3 here:

Nick Cage, stealing souls and freaking out.

Blech, this sucked... no pun intended. 
Toughest women cards, by Bobby.

Zombibi, the greatest movie of 2012? I think so.

Ever wonder why people don't make more Shaun of the Dead style films? I know I wonder this often. Well, it looks like the Dutch have heard our cries with Zombibi, and trust me, I'm going to do whatever I can to get a copy of this movie with subtitles ASAP.

Holy crap, does that look amazing or what? The film was just released on February 16, 2012 in Belgium. God, I need to see it.

I Am Legend 2? Say What?

Well, rumor has it that Will Smith and Warner Bros. are moving ahead with an I Am Legend 2. It also looks like it may be a sequel and might still have Will Smith in it... I have no idea how that's going to work. Considering that the movie, released in 2007, has made over $600 million worldwide, I'm sure the producers are drooling with anticipation to cobble together another zombie-vampire apocalypse with The Fresh Prince.

Akiva Goldsman, who won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, and was the original co-writer/producer of the first Legend film, is said to be on board for its sequel. My question is how? The original book has such a finite ending (that the film didn't follow at all) and the reworked ending for the 2007 film has *spoiler!!!!* Will Smith die, that I have no idea what they are planning on doing unless Big Will comes back as a zombie, or indeed he survives the huge grenade blast, which c'mon; that'd be preposterous.

Rumor has it however, it may also be a possible prequel. That makes more sense, at least in terms of having Will Smith back. From this interview, this is what Will Smith had to say about it:
"Will Smith: We have a fantastic prequel idea…we’re still trying to work through a couple of bumps in the story. It’s essentially the fall of the last city – the last stand of Manhattan. The movie would be…within the body of the movie D.C. and then Manhattan would fall as the last city. It’s a really cool idea trying to figure it out…there’s a reason why we have to take a small band and we have to get into D.C. So we have to make our way from New York to D.C. and then back to New York.

Collider: Will the dog be back in it?

Will Smith: Yes, the dog will be a puppy."
Okay, I'm sold on an I Am Legend 2. I'll buy my ticket right now. 
So there is that. I guess it could work... I mean I've heard and seen worse, but part of what made the first movie "kind of" work (despite basically shitting all over Richard Matheson's original tale), is that there was danger present at all times. You never really knew if the dog or Will Smith was going to survive. If the movie is a prequel... well you don't have to worry about them surviving at least for that film.

I would much rather prefer to see Will Smith as a zombie of some type in a sequel. That's a role he's yet to do. Welcome to urff.

Okay, either this or the puppy and Warner Bros. will have a hit on its hands. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance Review

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, isn't a horror movie. We know that. We bent the rules however, because there wasn't a lot  coming out to review and it has to do with a demon from hell, so that's kind of horror related, right?

And I'll be honest, I had some high hopes for this movie. I'm one of those people who root for Nicholas Cage, I really do. I know the man is terrible with his money and has to take really shitty roles to make ends meet, but I also know he's a hardcore comic book fan, and I always feel that he is getting to live his dream playing as Ghost Rider. 

Which hurts my heart to say, but I'm just going to come out and say it--the following Youtube clip I'm about to post is more entertaining to me that the entirety of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.  Go on, watch. Tell me that you don't smile, laugh, and then replay it.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Toughest Women in Horror and Sci-Fi: Ellen Ripley

Let's be honest here; in most horror movies the female role is usually reserved for dumb idiots with fake boobs that have no character depth past being stabbed in said tits. They are usually victims.

Once in awhile though, film makers decide to break the stereotype and make their female characters really strong and full of a will that cannot be broken.

This article started out as me doing a "top 5 toughest females..." blah, blah, blah article, but I decided as I was doing it, that I would like to give these female roles a little more credit than that, and I also found a lot more than five females.

Therefore, I created "super hero" cards based off how awesome I think these female characters are in the movies/shows and I tried to represent their cards based off their prowess.

Hopefully, I got it right and I'll be doing more of these. Let's start with my favorite female badass first.

Ellen Ripley (Alien franchise)

The ultimate queen of all badass females in horror/sci-fi.

Let's do a rundown of each film and how they make her such a badass:

In Ridley Scott's Alien, she is the sole survivor of the movie. After arming the self-destruct system of the Nostromo's, the large space ship to which all her crew gets brutally killed, she manages to escape the ship in a small shuttle.

In that shuttle, she manages to fight the Xenomorph one-on-one by forcing it out of the shuttle, shooting it with a grappling hook and burning it with the ships engines. So that's pretty gnarly, and for a creature that killed several people, she kills it alone.

The comes Aliens, the James Cameron sequel. A whole squad of Marines die horribly to the Xenomorphs. Again, when trying to escape and save the orphan Newt, who has been left behind she burns the lair of Xenomorph eggs pissing off the Queen. Ripley then, again one-on-one, fights the queen in a exosuit cargo-loader and sends the queen into space off of their docking ship.

Ripley, pure badass. 

In Alien 3, she helps lure the Xenomorph into molten lava and cools it down rapidly, forcing it to shatter. She finds out that she has a Xenomorph implanted in her and is given the option to take it out of her and survive, but decides to kill herself by jumping into giant furnace as fearing the people who wish to retrieve the specimen have ulterior motives. I know I couldn't just kill myself if someone told me they could save me and I'd live.

Finally, in Alien: Resurrection, she's brought back as a clone of her former self, only this time she's more badass and arrogant than before. I won't mention the "alien sex scene" as I mentioned that in our Valentine's Day podcast, but the movie has moments of grandeur despite its absurdity.

Card Stat Rankings:

Intelligence: 4/5. Ripley is smart and definitely cunning. She has consistently outsmarted the Xenomorphs which kill trained marines time and time again. She's not a rocket scientist, but she's pretty damn close.

Fighting Capabilities: 5/5. There is no denying that Ripley can handle herself. She knows how to fire giant machines guns, use a grappling gun to kill a Xenomorph, and pilot an exosuit to battle a Queen.

Resourcefulness: 5/5. This is all part of her cunning. Ripley is always the voice of reason, planning, and aware of her surroundings. In the second movie she points out that the marines cannot fire their weapons because of the explosive nature of their surroundings, and it takes a quick thinker to out smart the lighting-quick reflexes of a Xenomorph.

Luck: 3/5. She's not totally unlucky, after all she manages to survive until the third movie with outrageous circumstances. Let's be honest though, every time she tries to escape a Xenomorph is on board her ship, and when she does escape, she crash-lands with a Xenomorph on board. Even after dying she gets re-cloned to come back and fight more aliens, and that's just luck a person wouldn't want to have.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day: Podcast Episode 2

The second TLM podcast is now available on itunes. Chrissie and Bobby review The Woman in Black as well as their Top Romantic Horror movies, just in time for that romantic holiday we all love to hate. You can download it on iTunes or at the link here: TLM Episode 2.

Also, continue reading for TLM Valentine's Day tips which hint at some of the movies we discuss:

Brush your teeth.

Get your hair did.

Get up the nerve to ask out that weird scientist you've been admiring.

Get a babysitter for the kids, preferrably not a woman wearing black.

Maybe even invite a few of your friends over for dinner.

Whatever you decide to do this Valentine's Day, I can guarantee it pairs well with the Texas Lipstick Massacre podcast, unless it has something to do with Applebees. Nothing pairs well with Applebees.

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Walking Dead Alternate Intro

I'm really like season 2.5's new intro for The Walking Dead!

Now, where is Balki?

Oh, there he is!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Review: The Caller (2011)

In 1979, phone calls were terrifying. There was no caller id, much less voicemail so when movies like When a Stranger Calls was released in 1979, the phrase, "We've traced the call... it's coming from inside the house" was poop your pants scary. In The Caller, the premise is similar.

Recently divorced Mary (Rachelle Lefevre) moves into a new apartment and begins receiving phone calls on the land line from a woman asking to speak to Bobby. Assuming it is a wrong number, she tells the caller that she just moved into the apartment and that it must be a mistake, but the woman calls back again, and again, and again. Eventually the caller confesses that she has been in love with Bobby, but he hasn't been the same since and he just got back from the war, the Vietnam war. Mary finds this weird, a little too weird.

Mary becomes annoyed as Rose begins to call everyday, sometimes more than once (anyone with a grandma can probably relate), but Rose has ideas of her own and decides to prove to Mary that ignoring her calls is a bad idea. 

When a stranger calls I fart all over myself in fear

What I like about this film is that it doesn't mess around, the strangeness begins within the first 5 minutes of Mary being in the new apartment. What Mary doesn't know is that when she moved into this apartment, she has moved over into a land of both shadow and dark... into an area... we call... the twilight zone.

It's all downhill from here

This film got a limited release, but I don't really see why. It has decent actors, an interesting plot, and a snappy script. The first half of the movie has some great dialog that paints characters quickly. I was also surprised by how creepy it was in parts, the tension really builds with little release as Rose begins to torment Mary. Did I also mention that Stephen Moyer from True Blood is also in this movie. He plays an Italian engineering teacher, which is a bit of a stretch, but refreshingly not that wishy washy Bill from True Blood crap.

Buon Giggalo

I really liked this film. It relies on both psychological and physical terror which makes it genuinely unsettling. Also, I think there are only 2 jump scares in the entire film, which I believe is the exact number of jump scares that fulfill the horror movie formula without going overboard. It was a lot scarier than I expected too, so much in fact, that I had to watch Evil Dead afterward as a palate cleanser, because old ladies scare me a lot more than zombies.

Review: 4/5

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Review: Burnt Offerings (1976)

This house is familiar. In the film, it hasn't aged a bit over more than 500 years, and well, in reality, this house was used as the funeral home in Phantasm. Not only is this house familiar, but the story isn't new to any viewer either. 

Marian (Karen Black) and Ben Rolf (Oliver Reed) have decided to rent a house for the summer with their son Davey (Lee Montgomery) and Ben's Aunt Elizabeth (Bette Davis). Driving up to the house, they assume something is wrong, as the house is a worn down mansion, much too big for just the four of them, but after speaking to the current owners, a brother and sister couple by the names of Arnold and Roz Allardyce, they realize it is no joke, but there is a catch. They can rent the house for only $900 for the entire summer, but they have to bring food to the elderly Mrs. Allardyce who will be staying in her room at the top of the landing.

Need a ride to ... hell?

Things become immediately strange as the house seems to take hold of each of the visitors in different way. Pictures in the hallway show the house in different decades, with little change to it's exterior. Upon arrival, Aunt Elizabeth, once a vivacious older lady begins to sleep in and suffer from a sudden case of forgetfulness. Marian becomes possessive of caring for Mrs. Allardyce, forbidding anyone to visit that wing of the house. Ben's anger becomes quicker than usual and he begins to have nightmares and visions of a hearse driver from his mother's funeral, which makes Ben do strange things like try to drown his son in the swimming pool and frightfully crush an almost full beer can with his bare hand all over his face and hands.  

This is acting ya'll

The film has moments of terror, but overall, the film is slightly dated. The acting is a little melodramatic. Okay, a lot melodramatic, none of these characters ever react subtly. It's also unclear exactly why they want to spend the summer out in the middle of nowhere. It's almost like Marian has become employed as the maid, because she won't stop shining and cleaning everything. Doesn't sound like my idea of a vacation at all.

Now this is a vacation.

The tension does culminate in an interesting turn of events, but by then, the release of tension is probably a little too late. I enjoyed parts of this film, it has some iconic images, but overall, there isn't anything that would make a viewer wish to give it a rewatch.   

Review: 2/5

Thursday, February 2, 2012


This is a neat short film from writer and director Luther Bhogal-Jones at Faster Production's offshoot label "Sincerely, Psychopath." The short is the first in their series of "Disposable Screams."
In summary, a creak wakes a female couple in the middle of the night, but is it only a creak? Or something worse? "It's 4 am and somewhere, something has opened..."

Check out the video and if you like it, don't forget to subscribe to their feed and leave some feedback! Cheers!

Creak from Faster Productions on Vimeo.

First Podcast

Hey all, I just wanted to let you all know that our first podcast is now available. This is our first time podcasting, so we aren't experts, but I hope we are at least interesting and hopefully funny.

Bobby and I discuss the dumbest horror movies we have ever seen and what got us into horror movies.The list includes; Jack Frost 1 and 2, Rubber, Ott: Or Up With Dead People, Dolls, Deathbed: The Bed That Eats, and more! The podcast is available on iTunes, just search "Texas Lipstick Massacre," or you can listen here as well: MP3 of Texas Lipstick Massacre podcast!

Let us know what you think and if you enjoy it, please leave a review on iTunes, comment here or on our Facebook! Below are some trailers so people know what we are talking about and have a little visual reference.

This trailer basically gives away the entire plot of Dolls:

But there is always Death Bed to be vague enough in it's intentions:

Patton Oswalt talking about Deathbed

Jack Frost 1 and 2, not to be confused with that Michael Keaton bullshit

And finally, Rubber

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark gets neutered

Do you remember the scariest books in the library? The ones with the mediocre folklore stories, but the ridiculously disturbing illustrations? I remember in my school library, Alvin Scwartz's collection of Scary Stories didn't even have a cover anymore, because it had been checked out so often.
"Mom, I swear, it was a clownhead smoking a
corncob pipe, growing out of a cemetary."
Well, if you don't remember, it won't really matter anymore, because those iconic images are getting whitewashed out right out of Alvin Schwartz's books. In celebration of the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark's 30th anniversary, publisher HarperCollins will replace Stephen Gammell’s artwork with the artwork of Brett Helquist, the illustrator for the Series of Unfortunate Events books. Can't be that bad right? Wrong.

Take a look at this example:

The original:
The new edition:
"Oh, is there a little spider walking on my face?"
*brushes it away with hand*

The difference is not just noticeable, it's considerable. How many kids do you think will want to read Alvin Schwartz's collection of scary stories now that they have taken all of the danger out of the book? Sure, the stories are still scary, but the illustrations were really what made this book desirable in comparison to all the other collections of spooky stories in the school library. It felt like you were looking at something, you weren't supposed to and yet the librarian would hand it to you freely. I believe, when books have to compete with television for kids attention, I don't find anything wrong with a little shock value.

These kids should obviously read more books
Plus, Gammell's illustrations aren't even half as obscene as anything kids can watch on television. If anything, they provoke kids imaginations to grow, pushing them beyond the boundaries of their wildest dreams or in this case, nightmares. I can understand why a parent would want to protect their child from nightmares, no one wants to comfort a crying child in the middle of the night, but on the other hand, why not? Especially when it can be used as a learning opportunity.

Why not teach your child, that as a parent, you are going to be there for them in the middle of the night when they are scared, and that for their wild imagination spinning horrific images that go bump in the night, you can buy a nightlight. For that creaking sound of the door closing slowly in the middle of the night, WD40. That strange sound before they go to bed? It's actually your father's GI problems.

Little by little, your (future imaginary) children will learn how to filter out the real from the unreal and overcome their fears. Let's teach them to be rational, because won't that better serve them in their future lives, rather than trying to sanitize everything before it reaches them?    

Maybe your kid won't grow up to be a jerk if you did

For more original to new comparisons of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, please visit: Buzzfeed.