Valentine's Day: Podcast Episode 2

The second TLM podcast is now available on itunes. Chrissie and Bobby review The Woman in Black as well as their Top Romantic Horror movies, just in time for that romantic holiday we all love to hate. You can download it on iTunes or at the link here: TLM Episode 2.

Also, continue reading for TLM Valentine's Day tips which hint at some of the movies we discuss:

Brush your teeth.

Get your hair did.



Get up the nerve to ask out that weird scientist you've been admiring.

Get a babysitter for the kids, preferrably not a woman wearing black.

Maybe even invite a few of your friends over for dinner.

Whatever you decide to do this Valentine's Day, I can guarantee it pairs well with the Texas Lipstick Massacre podcast, unless it has something to do with Applebees. Nothing pairs well with Applebees.





The Walking Dead Alternate Intro

I'm really like season 2.5's new intro for The Walking Dead!






Now, where is Balki?






Oh, there he is!

Review: The Caller (2011)

In 1979, phone calls were terrifying. There was no caller id, much less voicemail so when movies like When a Stranger Calls was released in 1979, the phrase, "We've traced the call... it's coming from inside the house" was poop your pants scary. In The Caller, the premise is similar.

Recently divorced Mary (Rachelle Lefevre) moves into a new apartment and begins receiving phone calls on the land line from a woman asking to speak to Bobby. Assuming it is a wrong number, she tells the caller that she just moved into the apartment and that it must be a mistake, but the woman calls back again, and again, and again. Eventually the caller confesses that she has been in love with Bobby, but he hasn't been the same since and he just got back from the war, the Vietnam war. Mary finds this weird, a little too weird.

Mary becomes annoyed as Rose begins to call everyday, sometimes more than once (anyone with a grandma can probably relate), but Rose has ideas of her own and decides to prove to Mary that ignoring her calls is a bad idea. 

When a stranger calls I fart all over myself in fear

What I like about this film is that it doesn't mess around, the strangeness begins within the first 5 minutes of Mary being in the new apartment. What Mary doesn't know is that when she moved into this apartment, she has moved over into a land of both shadow and dark... into an area... we call... the twilight zone.

It's all downhill from here

This film got a limited release, but I don't really see why. It has decent actors, an interesting plot, and a snappy script. The first half of the movie has some great dialog that paints characters quickly. I was also surprised by how creepy it was in parts, the tension really builds with little release as Rose begins to torment Mary. Did I also mention that Stephen Moyer from True Blood is also in this movie. He plays an Italian engineering teacher, which is a bit of a stretch, but refreshingly not that wishy washy Bill from True Blood crap.

Buon Giggalo

I really liked this film. It relies on both psychological and physical terror which makes it genuinely unsettling. Also, I think there are only 2 jump scares in the entire film, which I believe is the exact number of jump scares that fulfill the horror movie formula without going overboard. It was a lot scarier than I expected too, so much in fact, that I had to watch Evil Dead afterward as a palate cleanser, because old ladies scare me a lot more than zombies.

Review: 4/5

Review: Burnt Offerings (1976)

This house is familiar. In the film, it hasn't aged a bit over more than 500 years, and well, in reality, this house was used as the funeral home in Phantasm. Not only is this house familiar, but the story isn't new to any viewer either. 

Marian (Karen Black) and Ben Rolf (Oliver Reed) have decided to rent a house for the summer with their son Davey (Lee Montgomery) and Ben's Aunt Elizabeth (Bette Davis). Driving up to the house, they assume something is wrong, as the house is a worn down mansion, much too big for just the four of them, but after speaking to the current owners, a brother and sister couple by the names of Arnold and Roz Allardyce, they realize it is no joke, but there is a catch. They can rent the house for only $900 for the entire summer, but they have to bring food to the elderly Mrs. Allardyce who will be staying in her room at the top of the landing.

Need a ride to ... hell?

Things become immediately strange as the house seems to take hold of each of the visitors in different way. Pictures in the hallway show the house in different decades, with little change to it's exterior. Upon arrival, Aunt Elizabeth, once a vivacious older lady begins to sleep in and suffer from a sudden case of forgetfulness. Marian becomes possessive of caring for Mrs. Allardyce, forbidding anyone to visit that wing of the house. Ben's anger becomes quicker than usual and he begins to have nightmares and visions of a hearse driver from his mother's funeral, which makes Ben do strange things like try to drown his son in the swimming pool and frightfully crush an almost full beer can with his bare hand all over his face and hands.  

This is acting ya'll

The film has moments of terror, but overall, the film is slightly dated. The acting is a little melodramatic. Okay, a lot melodramatic, none of these characters ever react subtly. It's also unclear exactly why they want to spend the summer out in the middle of nowhere. It's almost like Marian has become employed as the maid, because she won't stop shining and cleaning everything. Doesn't sound like my idea of a vacation at all.

Now this is a vacation.

The tension does culminate in an interesting turn of events, but by then, the release of tension is probably a little too late. I enjoyed parts of this film, it has some iconic images, but overall, there isn't anything that would make a viewer wish to give it a rewatch.   

Review: 2/5

Creak

This is a neat short film from writer and director Luther Bhogal-Jones at Faster Production's offshoot label "Sincerely, Psychopath." The short is the first in their series of "Disposable Screams."
 
In summary, a creak wakes a female couple in the middle of the night, but is it only a creak? Or something worse? "It's 4 am and somewhere, something has opened..."

Check out the video and if you like it, don't forget to subscribe to their feed and leave some feedback! Cheers!





Creak from Faster Productions on Vimeo.

First Podcast

Hey all, I just wanted to let you all know that our first podcast is now available. This is our first time podcasting, so we aren't experts, but I hope we are at least interesting and hopefully funny.

Bobby and I discuss the dumbest horror movies we have ever seen and what got us into horror movies.The list includes; Jack Frost 1 and 2, Rubber, Ott: Or Up With Dead People, Dolls, Deathbed: The Bed That Eats, and more! The podcast is available on iTunes, just search "Texas Lipstick Massacre," or you can listen here as well: MP3 of Texas Lipstick Massacre podcast!

Let us know what you think and if you enjoy it, please leave a review on iTunes, comment here or on our Facebook! Below are some trailers so people know what we are talking about and have a little visual reference.

This trailer basically gives away the entire plot of Dolls:

But there is always Death Bed to be vague enough in it's intentions:

Patton Oswalt talking about Deathbed



Jack Frost 1 and 2, not to be confused with that Michael Keaton bullshit






And finally, Rubber

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark gets neutered

Do you remember the scariest books in the library? The ones with the mediocre folklore stories, but the ridiculously disturbing illustrations? I remember in my school library, Alvin Scwartz's collection of Scary Stories didn't even have a cover anymore, because it had been checked out so often.

"Mom, I swear, it was a clownhead smoking a
corncob pipe, growing out of a cemetary."

Well, if you don't remember, it won't really matter anymore, because those iconic images are getting whitewashed out right out of Alvin Schwartz's books. In celebration of the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark's 30th anniversary, publisher HarperCollins will replace Stephen Gammell’s artwork with the artwork of Brett Helquist, the illustrator for the Series of Unfortunate Events books. Can't be that bad right? Wrong.

Take a look at this example:

The original:

"OMG YOUR FACE JUST
EXPLODED EVERYWHERE!
NOT THE SPIDERS! THE SPIDERS!
THE BABY SPIDERS!
OH AH OH AH OH AHHHHH!"

The new edition:

"Oh, is there a little spider walking on my face?"
*brushes it away with hand*



The difference is not just noticeable, it's considerable. How many kids do you think will want to read Alvin Schwartz's collection of scary stories now that they have taken all of the danger out of the book? Sure, the stories are still scary, but the illustrations were really what made this book desirable in comparison to all the other collections of spooky stories in the school library. It felt like you were looking at something, you weren't supposed to and yet the librarian would hand it to you freely. I believe, when books have to compete with television for kids attention, I don't find anything wrong with a little shock value.

These kids should obviously read more books

Plus, Gammell's illustrations aren't even half as obscene as anything kids can watch on television. If anything, they provoke kids imaginations to grow, pushing them beyond the boundaries of their wildest dreams or in this case, nightmares. I can understand why a parent would want to protect their child from nightmares, no one wants to comfort a crying child in the middle of the night, but on the other hand, why not? Especially when it can be used as a learning opportunity.

Why not teach your child, that as a parent, you are going to be there for them in the middle of the night when they are scared, and that for their wild imagination spinning horrific images that go bump in the night, you can buy a nightlight. For that creaking sound of the door closing slowly in the middle of the night, WD40. That strange sound before they go to bed? It's actually your father's GI problems.

Little by little, your (future imaginary) children will learn how to filter out the real from the unreal and overcome their fears. Let's teach them to be rational, because won't that better serve them in their future lives, rather than trying to sanitize everything before it reaches them?    



Maybe your kid won't grow up to be a jerk if you did



For more original to new comparisons of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, please visit: Buzzfeed.

Source: Flavorwire, Buzzfeed, Adventures in Poor Taste